One of my friends is dating a guy who received this note in the form of an email from an ex-girlfriend. All I have to say, is that anything you write and email at 4am should not be sent. The following is a perfect example why.
First of all I’m not asking for anything, hinting at or alluding to anything with this message, or at least I’m going to make a sincere attempt not to.. I’m just sending it because I really miss you alot, have been ever since I broke up with you, and just realized some important things tonight because I missed you so much that I went back and reread every message you ever sent me on facebook. well, maybe theyre not that important…they seemed that way to me.. First of all, I don’t know why I never threatened you with death if you were to ever stop sending me those long rambling messages that I absolutely Loved getting. That was dumb of me. Those used to make me soo happy. Second of all, …..ok im about to commit the biggest sin, so be ready to forgive me and perhaps pretend like you never read this if i end up sounding completely off my rocker…which i most likely will….its just that ive sat here for 20 minutes thinking about saying it, so at this point i might as well….whatever..ive already made more thana complete fool of myself where youre concerned more times than i can count, so whats one more time, right… ok… oh, please dont compare me to the crazy ex, beause i dont want to be that, although i kind of technically already am, just by definition… alright. good…ive now stalled for another 10 minutes. brilliant, as its not gonna make a bit of difference when you go to read it how much time i spent thinking in between sentences. k. i never wanted to break up with you, and ive regretted it every single day since i did… i was a complete idiot and i dont really know what spurred me to do it.. i think i was in a bad place with stress and depression, and i wanted something to change and wanted to feel in control of some situation in my life… i know the whole time i was at your house that day i was wishing that you would save me from my idiotic self and tell me that i was being stupid, but you didnt, so i figured maybe it was better off this way… except that there hasnt really been a single moment since then that ive actually thought that… the things i said about the sex thing werent really true.. i mean, i suppose on some level they had to be, and some of them were, in part, i guess, but mostly i was so angry and upset with myself that i just kind of wrote bullshit. i did want to have sex with you, and some of those reasons were probably legitimate, or somewhat so anyways, but really i wanted to have sex with you simply because i really wanted to have sex. with you. because every time i see you i realize more and more what an idiot i am, because i love you. fuck. yes, i just said that. if i have crossed the line to crazy ex-dom please know that at least i wont text you 50 times a day. i wanted to say that back in december sometime, but i didnt want to be…i dont know… something. so i decided to wait and take cues from you and be a stupid ho. i didnt want to fuck things up. and then i ended up getting frustrated and being stupid and fucking it all up anyway. good job ashley. damn it, i love you. i love the way you smell, and the way you feel.. i love the sound of your voice and those beautiful eyes…. i love that you take care of me all the time, and i love talking with you… and goddamn it, even ben has noticed that i cant stop checking you out every time youre not looking at me when were at work. …..fuck, now ive really gone and fucked myself, cuz ill probably have to go work in the balcony from now on so i dont get a chance to ever look you in the eye again and die from embarrassment. but i cant help it…and i hate it when you touch me, because it is Torture. i am way too attracted to you..it sucks. all i want is to be with you…wrapped up in you forever. im probably being really stupid right now…this message is like, every guys worst nightmare to receive… well if ive freaked you out or crossed that horrible line i apologize most profusely…i dont think id even send this right now except that its officially been at least an hour and a half since i started writing it, so it kinda seems like i might as well not have wasted that time doing nothing….. please dont hate me… im sorry.. i just decided to finally be honest and get it all off my back so i dont have to spend so much time wondering what would happen if i said these things. yay, now i just have to live with the mortification of knowing i already did.
Well, ill be back in town on wednesday…. Assuming i can pull myself together enough to face you, perhaps youd like to get the pizza we never got to get tonight… …or perhaps not..if its perhaps not maybe just dont bother to say so,and it might save some embarrassment… im going to bed before i say anything else ridiculous. sorry, again. good night.
I was going to go through adding my own comments, but it’s hilarious enough on it’s own. So let this be the “What Not To Say To An Ex” example. And feel free to share this with friends. Because it’s a classic.