Category Archives: Email Rave

The Plus Side of Work Meetings

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road… ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

SARAH PALIN: Because, Praise Jesus, I was gonna shoot his sorry liberal butt off for blocking my view of Russia!

JOE BIDEN: Now I love that Chicken, I mean I’d take a bullet for that chicken. But he is nuts, crazy, stupid in the head to cross that road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth? That’s why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

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Black Hurricanes

**DISCLAIMER: If you are easily offended by funny things, then don’t read this. But note that this posting does not reflect any personal views and it is just meant to be funny.**

Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about.  A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston), reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.  She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up!

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in ‘language’ that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn’t understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report. I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140+ MPH, thats too hard to understand.  I can hear it now:

I can just see it now…A weatherman in New Orleans says…

“Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin’ fo’ yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo’! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo’ chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo’ de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit!”

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Dear Boy… Love, Crazy Bitch

One of my friends is dating a guy who received this note in the form of an email from an ex-girlfriend. All I have to say, is that anything you write and email at 4am should not be sent. The following is a perfect example why.

First of all I’m not asking for anything, hinting at or alluding to anything with this message, or at least I’m going to make a sincere attempt not to.. I’m just sending it because I really miss you alot, have been ever since I broke up with you, and just realized some important things tonight because I missed you so much that I went back and reread every message you ever sent me on facebook. well, maybe theyre not that important…they seemed that way to me.. First of all, I don’t know why I never threatened you with death if you were to ever stop sending me those long rambling messages that I absolutely Loved getting. That was dumb of me. Those used to make me soo happy. Second of all, …..ok im about to commit the biggest sin, so be ready to forgive me and perhaps pretend like you never read this if i end up sounding completely off my rocker…which i most likely will….its just that ive sat here for 20 minutes thinking about saying it, so at this point i might as well….whatever..ive already made more thana complete fool of myself where youre concerned more times than i can count, so whats one more time, right… ok… oh, please dont compare me to the crazy ex, beause i dont want to be that, although i kind of technically already am, just by definition… alright. good…ive now stalled for another 10 minutes. brilliant, as its not gonna make a bit of difference when you go to read it how much time i spent thinking in between sentences. k. i never wanted to break up with you, and ive regretted it every single day since i did… i was a complete idiot and i dont really know what spurred me to do it.. i think i was in a bad place with stress and depression, and i wanted something to change and wanted to feel in control of some situation in my life… i know the whole time i was at your house that day i was wishing that you would save me from my idiotic self and tell me that i was being stupid, but you didnt, so i figured maybe it was better off this way… except that there hasnt really been a single moment since then that ive actually thought that… the things i said about the sex thing werent really true.. i mean, i suppose on some level they had to be, and some of them were, in part, i guess, but mostly i was so angry and upset with myself that i just kind of wrote bullshit. i did want to have sex with you, and some of those reasons were probably legitimate, or somewhat so anyways, but really i wanted to have sex with you simply because i really wanted to have sex. with you. because every time i see you i realize more and more what an idiot i am, because i love you. fuck. yes, i just said that. if i have crossed the line to crazy ex-dom please know that at least i wont text you 50 times a day. i wanted to say that back in december sometime, but i didnt want to be…i dont know… something. so i decided to wait and take cues from you and be a stupid ho. i didnt want to fuck things up. and then i ended up getting frustrated and being stupid and fucking it all up anyway. good job ashley. damn it, i love you. i love the way you smell, and the way you feel.. i love the sound of your voice and those beautiful eyes…. i love that you take care of me all the time, and i love talking with you… and goddamn it, even ben has noticed that i cant stop checking you out every time youre not looking at me when were at work. …..fuck, now ive really gone and fucked myself, cuz ill probably have to go work in the balcony from now on so i dont get a chance to ever look you in the eye again and die from embarrassment. but i cant help it…and i hate it when you touch me, because it is Torture. i am way too attracted to you..it sucks. all i want is to be with you…wrapped up in you forever. im probably being really stupid right now…this message is like, every guys worst nightmare to receive… well if ive freaked you out or crossed that horrible line i apologize most profusely…i dont think id even send this right now except that its officially been at least an hour and a half since i started writing it, so it kinda seems like i might as well not have wasted that time doing nothing….. please dont hate me… im sorry.. i just decided to finally be honest and get it all off my back so i dont have to spend so much time wondering what would happen if i said these things. yay, now i just have to live with the mortification of knowing i already did.

Well, ill be back in town on wednesday…. Assuming i can pull myself together enough to face you, perhaps youd like to get the pizza we never got to get tonight… …or perhaps not..if its perhaps not maybe just dont bother to say so,and it might save some embarrassment… im going to bed before i say anything else ridiculous. sorry, again. good night.

I was going to go through adding my own comments, but it’s hilarious enough on it’s own. So let this be the “What Not To Say To An Ex” example. And feel free to share this with friends. Because it’s a classic.

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